In two weeks it will be six months since the dog attack. I am feeling better emotionally, but I am still grieving and I still make decisions based on fear. I am working, but I miss staying home and the slower pace of my life when I did. On the other hand, it is good to have a sense of purpose, and I feel that sense when I teach. Something I notice more and more is that I truly look at everything differently now. Absolutely everything.
Before I started back at work I had a long conversation with my boss about how my perspective had changed. It was healing to have that conversation. I was someone who walked around a little naive and oblivious to the bad things that can happen. I think it was a sort of positive thinking. I thought if I didn't pay any attention to all those bad and depressing stories I saw on the news, they wouldn't exist in my life as much. Of course, this was only me trying to control the uncertain events that are not controllable. I guess it was my way of deciding not to perpetuate the unfortunate events in my daily life. But looking back, it seemed like my attitude was a little like denial that bad events exist at all, and they do.
I continue not to focus on the unfortunate things that happen, but now I realize that they are out there, and can happen at any moment. When there is peace and harmony, we owe it to ourselves to fully experience that calm and beauty because when it's gone, life is a little like hell. I prefer thinking about my world as more of heaven. But a little healthy skepticism is important for survival. For example, when I go for a walk with my dog, I put myself in danger each and every time. Will something bad happen? It could. But I prefer to simply keep a watchful eye out. I don't just assume, like I used to, that everything will go off without a hitch any longer.
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