Getting back into the swing of things at work has been tough. I am having trouble remembering all of the details about school while running a classroom. Our Halloween celebration, for example, was held on Friday the 29th, which was a day off for me. I knew that I had to be there either way, but my body was protesting the whole time.
A few days before the event, I had decided to go to work with my daughter to see her work as the music teacher, and afterward we planned to go to my classroom for our Halloween parade and celebration. While we got through the day with all of its festivities, we both were exhausted by the end. Once home, we relaxed in front of the television, but I couldn't remain awake much passed 8 PM, so I went to bed without watching the end of a funny and entertaining movie.
My daughter is a great music teacher. I met her bosses and co-workers, and everyone had nothing but praise for her and the work she does. I sat through four different music classes, instructed by her, noticing how talented she was and how much the students adored her. It was inspiring, and uncanny. I knew that the teaching gene was in her, but I had no idea how deep. She was a professional, interesting, entertaining, and educational teacher. She looked great in her, "angel of music" costume. I was proud of how much passion and joy came out as she taught.
After spending about two and a half hours at her work, observing, we came home to eat lunch and then it was on to our second classroom visit. I was starving, and felt a headache coming on, but there was no time to relax before our next adventure. We arrived at the school where I work just in time to walk in the parade. My daughter walked along with me, as well as my substitute. They both commented that it was a little like walking along with a celebrity.
Halloween is a fun time for teachers. We get to see all of our prior students dressed in costume, and say hi to them as the parade passes by. The route is lead by our principal, who was dressed this year as Gandalf from Lord of the Rings. It's a time for the students to reconnect with their former friends and teachers, and visit their siblings classrooms without getting in trouble, for parents to run their cameras until the battery runs out, and for the students to go a little crazy on a sugar high. I have a costume I've been wearing every year since I began teaching, and I wore it once again. Even though it's been seen over and over, I still get compliments on my black, flowing, witch costume. This year was no different.
The best thing about this year's celebration is that I have instructed students from every graduation year at our school up to this year's fifth grade class. Because this is our school's fourth year since its grand opening, it is the first year I saw students, who were once my students, from all of the grades greater than this year's second grade class. So every grade level had at least 20 students who I knew and loved. I remembered every one of their names. Every one. It was heartwarming to say hello to them, and acknowledge their progress.
Amidst (maybe because of) all of the joy and celebration, I was exhausted. So about a half hour before the festivities were to come to a close, my daughter and I decided to hightail it out of there. We waved good-bye as the volume of the classroom seemed to mount beyond what any human ear should have to endure. My head was pounding, and I was ready to collapse. For the first year, I didn't even take pictures - a huge disappointment for me. But I just can't seem to remember every little thing anymore. I hope and pray that I am doing enough to maintain my popularity and excellent reputation.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Big Black Dog
After four months one would think I’d be over the trauma of the attack, but I still struggle with it. I was walking my daughter and our dogs on the Alamo Creek Trail when we came across a large, black dog coming slowly towards us. When we came upon the dog we noticed that it was off leash, and it’s owner was nowhere to be seen.
Nothing bad happened, but it was extremely anxiety provoking. I held the leashes of both dogs tightly, and I began walking slowly in the opposite direction. Soon I met up with another couple that was also walking the trail. They were acting scared of the black dog too. Finally the owner rounded the bend of the trail, and yelled ahead to us that the dog was not dangerous, but it was too late. All four of us were frightened anyway.
When the owner came by, the couple mentioned that the dog looked like it was going to attack, and I said that the dog should be on a leash. The man simply walked by without calling or leashing his pet. There was the vibration of conflict in the air. I’ve heard people say there is no such thing as a bad dog, just bad dog owners. It makes me wonder what they mean. How can a dog be harmless, if its owner is hostile? This man was hostile, and vehemently defending his right to walk his dog off leash when it is clearly posted on our trail that dogs may NOT be off leash. How could his dog be friendly, if the owner wasn’t?
I thought we were done for – again! I moved slowly away because I wanted to slow time down. I needed time to think about what I should do. It was as if I was willing time to stand still so I could come up with a plan to safely get us out of there. I was so relieved when nothing bad happened. I was literally bracing myself for blood and guts, and nothing like that occurred. I wondered how I could have missed the "calming signals" the black dog was sending out. I’d been studying the signals so I can help Roxie feel comfortable, and it’s been working.
A couple of the signals were evident, when I reviewed what happened later. The dog had it’s nose towards the ground as if it was sniffing (calming signal #1), it was also walking around and away from us in a curvy line (calming signal #2). Because the dog never looked away, or broke eye contact, I jumped to the worst conclusion. I panicked, and thought it was a threat. I was wrong, and here is why.
I believe dog to person eye contact can be misleading. We often reward our dogs by doing two things until they learn that these human signals are not a threat. The first is eye contact. We love it when our dogs make eye contact with us; we interpret it as looking at us lovingly. The second is showing our teeth. We smile, and it means we are happy, amused, or in a good mood. Dogs that have been in close contact with humans have learned that eye contact and showing teeth from humans is not dangerous. This may be the reason that black dog felt okay when it made eye contact. I still wonder about the temperament of that black dog, but I will likely never see it again.
Nothing bad happened, but it was extremely anxiety provoking. I held the leashes of both dogs tightly, and I began walking slowly in the opposite direction. Soon I met up with another couple that was also walking the trail. They were acting scared of the black dog too. Finally the owner rounded the bend of the trail, and yelled ahead to us that the dog was not dangerous, but it was too late. All four of us were frightened anyway.
When the owner came by, the couple mentioned that the dog looked like it was going to attack, and I said that the dog should be on a leash. The man simply walked by without calling or leashing his pet. There was the vibration of conflict in the air. I’ve heard people say there is no such thing as a bad dog, just bad dog owners. It makes me wonder what they mean. How can a dog be harmless, if its owner is hostile? This man was hostile, and vehemently defending his right to walk his dog off leash when it is clearly posted on our trail that dogs may NOT be off leash. How could his dog be friendly, if the owner wasn’t?
I thought we were done for – again! I moved slowly away because I wanted to slow time down. I needed time to think about what I should do. It was as if I was willing time to stand still so I could come up with a plan to safely get us out of there. I was so relieved when nothing bad happened. I was literally bracing myself for blood and guts, and nothing like that occurred. I wondered how I could have missed the "calming signals" the black dog was sending out. I’d been studying the signals so I can help Roxie feel comfortable, and it’s been working.
A couple of the signals were evident, when I reviewed what happened later. The dog had it’s nose towards the ground as if it was sniffing (calming signal #1), it was also walking around and away from us in a curvy line (calming signal #2). Because the dog never looked away, or broke eye contact, I jumped to the worst conclusion. I panicked, and thought it was a threat. I was wrong, and here is why.
I believe dog to person eye contact can be misleading. We often reward our dogs by doing two things until they learn that these human signals are not a threat. The first is eye contact. We love it when our dogs make eye contact with us; we interpret it as looking at us lovingly. The second is showing our teeth. We smile, and it means we are happy, amused, or in a good mood. Dogs that have been in close contact with humans have learned that eye contact and showing teeth from humans is not dangerous. This may be the reason that black dog felt okay when it made eye contact. I still wonder about the temperament of that black dog, but I will likely never see it again.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
I Saw the Owner!
Yesterday I went out for a walk with the dogs, and I saw the owner of the attack dog. He was outside mowing his lawn with an electric mower. First I recognized the electric mower, and not realizing where I was, I commented to myself, "Wow. Someone who cares about the environment."
Then I realized where I was, and I realized who it was. Even though he was mowing away from me, I became very scared. I thought ...if that's the attack dog's owner, he's probably not a very nice guy. But he looked nice. I saw him from the back. He was tall, lean, and had short, light brown hair. He looked young - about twenty-eight. I was scared to look at him, and I began running to get further down the block.
Since his garage door was open, I was reminded of the first attack by his dog. I was told that it attacked and killed a chihuahua because attack dog's owner had left the garage door open. The owner of the chihuahua was walking his two chihuahuas by the house (not the one in my neighborhood), and the attack dog killed one of the chihuahuas. I wondered what happened to those people, and the doggie that survived.
The next thing I knew, I was approaching the trail head. I had run far without noticing. The dogs were panting, and so was I. I slowed down and caught my breath. It caused me to focus on how far I had come, both figuratively and literally. I felt forgiveness. At the same time, I realized that I was still not healed from the attack. I was able to let it go, and walk around the circle that has become my new route, but in doing so, I realized several realities.
I still have not walked on the same side of the street as my home in the direction towards the creek trail alone. I have not walked back in the return direction from the creek trail (the way we walked the day of the attack) alone, nor have I done so on the same side of the street. I avoid driving in that direction when I come home from work so I don't have to see the house from that perspective. I continue to consciously choose my walk route when I depart from my home to keep myself feeling safe.
The last time I spoke with my psychologist, I didn't want to do any more EMDR. He said I didn't have to, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I felt like I still needed to. I realized yesterday that I do still need to, but I still don't want to. I guess I'm still avoiding that place, and feeling the feelings that come with remembering. I still think about Hardy fondly, and sometimes there is grief that hurts. I have a new doggie that I love, but I still don't think there will be another dog as cool as my Hardy.
Then I realized where I was, and I realized who it was. Even though he was mowing away from me, I became very scared. I thought ...if that's the attack dog's owner, he's probably not a very nice guy. But he looked nice. I saw him from the back. He was tall, lean, and had short, light brown hair. He looked young - about twenty-eight. I was scared to look at him, and I began running to get further down the block.
Since his garage door was open, I was reminded of the first attack by his dog. I was told that it attacked and killed a chihuahua because attack dog's owner had left the garage door open. The owner of the chihuahua was walking his two chihuahuas by the house (not the one in my neighborhood), and the attack dog killed one of the chihuahuas. I wondered what happened to those people, and the doggie that survived.
The next thing I knew, I was approaching the trail head. I had run far without noticing. The dogs were panting, and so was I. I slowed down and caught my breath. It caused me to focus on how far I had come, both figuratively and literally. I felt forgiveness. At the same time, I realized that I was still not healed from the attack. I was able to let it go, and walk around the circle that has become my new route, but in doing so, I realized several realities.
I still have not walked on the same side of the street as my home in the direction towards the creek trail alone. I have not walked back in the return direction from the creek trail (the way we walked the day of the attack) alone, nor have I done so on the same side of the street. I avoid driving in that direction when I come home from work so I don't have to see the house from that perspective. I continue to consciously choose my walk route when I depart from my home to keep myself feeling safe.
The last time I spoke with my psychologist, I didn't want to do any more EMDR. He said I didn't have to, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I felt like I still needed to. I realized yesterday that I do still need to, but I still don't want to. I guess I'm still avoiding that place, and feeling the feelings that come with remembering. I still think about Hardy fondly, and sometimes there is grief that hurts. I have a new doggie that I love, but I still don't think there will be another dog as cool as my Hardy.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
It’s Not Easy Being a Teacher
My job as a second grade teacher is rewarding, but ever so challenging. It isn’t like any other job I’ve experienced. I’m sure any educator would agree that it is the multitasking that is the most difficult aspect. Mothers are the closest people who may be able to understand and sympathize with what we have to do every day, and the moms with more children understand even more. We are now up to twenty-five students in our classrooms. The addition of five extra students makes the job so much harder.
Imagine how difficult it would be simply babysitting twenty-five children. Now factor in not only a six hour stretch, but also being responsible for the children’s education. Next add in the fifty, or more, guardians that the teacher must know personally, and don’t forget that the children have siblings, most of whom the teacher already knows. Then there is all of their supplies, backpacks, lunches, homework, and other daily checks that must be made. It's a recipe for disaster - unless the teacher is 100% mentally on top of things.
Guess who’s not mentally on top of things?
Even though my schedule has been reduced to three days a week for my first six weeks back, I am exhausted, and unfortunately, in pain. I’ve been having at least two headaches a week since last week when I was getting ready to go back to work. The headache I got yesterday before school let out was relieved with my prescription, Ibuprophen, but it’s back again this morning. Since the headache didn’t go away, I’m assuming that it’s a migraine, so I’ve now had to take the migraine medicine, Imitrex. It’s taken most of the pain away, but not all.
I truly missed my classroom. I enjoy working with the students immensely. I know the material intimately, and I feel gifted in the way I present it to my students. I love sharing knowledge with others, especially young people. I enjoy sharing time with the little ones, and I like that my profession gives me a chance to be silly, funny, entertaining, and smart. I love reading books, doing math and science, creating writing and art projects with children, and I like watching the kids develop and grow.
It’s difficult for me to accept that I am not physically cut out for much more of this job that I love. But next year the state is threatening putting in another three students, and I can’t even manage to get through the day with twenty-five. Twenty-eight students in the classroom sounds impossible.
I’m looking at four days off until the next time I will return to work. I have a TON of things I’ve brought home to review, correct, analyze, and prep. I’m not sure how I will get all of it done, but I know I have to do something because conferences and report cards are looming out there in the next four weeks. For now, my goal is simply to get my headaches managed. It’s difficult to even remember the turtles when it feels like there is pain throbbing through the brain. I guess it’s time to email the doctor.
Monday, October 18, 2010
First Day Back
It was a wonderful day back to work and worth every day I took off to get better. Everyone has been supportive and kind to me from my boss, to the teachers, to the parents, and even the students. My boss suggested that I begin by working the first day back with the woman who has been substituting for me while I was away. It was fun to tag teach with her.
I discovered that my substitute was the student teacher of a dear colleague friend of mine who has the classroom next door to mine. My teacher friend is likely my favorite teacher at our school. From the day I met her, I’ve felt a kinship with her. We have children similar to the same age, we both enjoy teaching primary grade levels, and we both adore teaching and especially teaching children to read.
My first day back was filled with supportive people and I was welcomed back with aplomb. My closest friend brought me a bouquet of sunflowers. I bumped into my boss at Peet's just like nothing had ever changed. When I walked out of the coffee shop, I said, "I was hoping I'd bump into you here." He smiled as if to say... Me too.
The parents of at least ten students in my class made it a point to introduce themselves to me, and some even went further to tell me how happy they were to have me as their child’s teacher. Smiles were everywhere. It was heartwarming, and without even trying, the confidence I was longing to feel was present and thriving. Even the substitute said that she enjoyed watching me teach, and she was learning from watching me with my obvious experience.
I won. I didn’t let the attack beat me. I worked my butt off to get better. I got better, and I came back stronger than ever. I feel like I have become a better person, a better friend, a better family member, and a better teacher. I will never be able to state that what happened was a blessing, because I lost a lot that day. But I’ve made the best of the worst situation I’ve ever experienced. In the end, I won.
I discovered that my substitute was the student teacher of a dear colleague friend of mine who has the classroom next door to mine. My teacher friend is likely my favorite teacher at our school. From the day I met her, I’ve felt a kinship with her. We have children similar to the same age, we both enjoy teaching primary grade levels, and we both adore teaching and especially teaching children to read.
My first day back was filled with supportive people and I was welcomed back with aplomb. My closest friend brought me a bouquet of sunflowers. I bumped into my boss at Peet's just like nothing had ever changed. When I walked out of the coffee shop, I said, "I was hoping I'd bump into you here." He smiled as if to say... Me too.
The parents of at least ten students in my class made it a point to introduce themselves to me, and some even went further to tell me how happy they were to have me as their child’s teacher. Smiles were everywhere. It was heartwarming, and without even trying, the confidence I was longing to feel was present and thriving. Even the substitute said that she enjoyed watching me teach, and she was learning from watching me with my obvious experience.
I won. I didn’t let the attack beat me. I worked my butt off to get better. I got better, and I came back stronger than ever. I feel like I have become a better person, a better friend, a better family member, and a better teacher. I will never be able to state that what happened was a blessing, because I lost a lot that day. But I’ve made the best of the worst situation I’ve ever experienced. In the end, I won.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Roxie's First Bike Ride
My daughter and I went for a bike ride today, and Roxie and Chico rode too. I recently purchased a bicycle basket for Roxie, so she got to ride in her own new bike basket. I've been working all week on getting Roxie to stay inside that basket, but I had no luck. She kept jumping out, no matter what I tried. I decided to solicit some help, so my daughter helped me train her to stay put inside the basket. Together we put her in, and slowly walked her around inside the house. The whole time, my daughter kept praising her and keeping her from jumping out. I thought we would have to do this several times before we would be able to ride, but it was so effective, we were able to go for a lovely ride after only about 10 minutes of practicing.
We got a lot of comments about how cute we looked as we rode to to a nearby park. It was fun for me because I saw that Roxie was able to relax inside the basket.When she let all of her body weight go and rested her head on the edge, I was certain that she was enjoying herself. She looked adorable. Once at the park we went for a walk to let the dogs stretch their legs, and then we rode back home. It is challenging pedaling around an extra 16 lbs, but we both figure that will just burn more calories.
This cool pet product is called the 3-IN-1 Bike Basket, and it's made by a company called Pet Gear. I bought one online at a company called Pets2Bed. It triples as a car seat, carrier, and bike basket. I think I can use it on an airplane or BART. I'm glad I made the investment, because it is serving as a tote and also helping my scared little doggie to find her mojo. I was so pleased by the time I got home, I ordered another one in the same color for Chico. They call it lavender, but it's really more of a blue color. The manufacturer suggests that the carrier is best for a 13 lb. dog, but it worked just fine for my 16 lb. Miniature Schnauzer.
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| Roxie's First Ride |
Friday, October 15, 2010
Outpouring of Love
Everyone has been so supportive at work! It has been incredible. I have received a plethora of emails from parents welcoming me back, or telling me how glad they are that I am returning, or that they are looking forward to working with me. It's such a great feeling when others validate my going back to the classroom.
My boss was amazingly supportive, as well as a true professional. He called me in for a meeting, just to touch base and see how I was doing. I joked that I thought he wanted me to prove that I was able to get out of the house now. He nodded in agreement, but went on to discuss a movie called, Race To Nowhere. He wanted me to know that he hopes that our school will adopt the philosophy from the movie. This is a philosophy I can stand behind.
When I walked into the main office of our school, I was greeted by one of my best friends with a hugs and love. Even my boss gave me a hug to welcome me back. I felt welcome. During our meeting he described what I had missed, and brought up things I had mentioned in emails about not being comfortable doing but knew were necessary as a teacher. For example, what if someone brings a dog to school in the morning, did I feel comfortable being able to function during a disaster drill, or was I able to take responsibility in an emergency.
It made me realize that I have come so very far. I felt confident when I told him that I could do all of those things, and even talk about my medical problems without encouraging dialogue. I've had lots of practice. I've done the work.
Say what you will about Kaiser Permanente, but they have been with me the whole way. I have had a team of three doctors helping me from the start. Whenever I've needed to talk, or had questions, or needed to discuss my concerns, they've been there. From doctors to technicians, to receptionists, to pharmicists, they've all stepped up when I needed them. Some of them have gone above and beyond the call of duty. Like the time I needed a prescription refill over a three day weekend, and it was pushed through late on a Friday afternoon.
Here I am ready to go back to work, and they've helped me come up with a plan for what will undoubtedly be a successful reintegration too. I hear people complain about their HMO, but mine is wonderful. I highly recommend them. They even support dog therapy!
I met a woman at the dog park today who disclosed a story about her husband coming down with an incurable cancer and how the dog was therapy for him. She said her husband had now passed, and the dog has become therapeutic for her as well. She also raved about Kaiser. It was nice to meet up with such a kindred spirit. As we sat there and discussed our families, pets, joys, and sorrows, I soon discovered I had found a new friend. She has a sweet Cock-a-poo named Flossy that wasn't scared of me (she said that was rare), and my Roxie and Flossy seemed like best friends.
My boss was amazingly supportive, as well as a true professional. He called me in for a meeting, just to touch base and see how I was doing. I joked that I thought he wanted me to prove that I was able to get out of the house now. He nodded in agreement, but went on to discuss a movie called, Race To Nowhere. He wanted me to know that he hopes that our school will adopt the philosophy from the movie. This is a philosophy I can stand behind.
When I walked into the main office of our school, I was greeted by one of my best friends with a hugs and love. Even my boss gave me a hug to welcome me back. I felt welcome. During our meeting he described what I had missed, and brought up things I had mentioned in emails about not being comfortable doing but knew were necessary as a teacher. For example, what if someone brings a dog to school in the morning, did I feel comfortable being able to function during a disaster drill, or was I able to take responsibility in an emergency.
It made me realize that I have come so very far. I felt confident when I told him that I could do all of those things, and even talk about my medical problems without encouraging dialogue. I've had lots of practice. I've done the work.
Say what you will about Kaiser Permanente, but they have been with me the whole way. I have had a team of three doctors helping me from the start. Whenever I've needed to talk, or had questions, or needed to discuss my concerns, they've been there. From doctors to technicians, to receptionists, to pharmicists, they've all stepped up when I needed them. Some of them have gone above and beyond the call of duty. Like the time I needed a prescription refill over a three day weekend, and it was pushed through late on a Friday afternoon.
Here I am ready to go back to work, and they've helped me come up with a plan for what will undoubtedly be a successful reintegration too. I hear people complain about their HMO, but mine is wonderful. I highly recommend them. They even support dog therapy!
I met a woman at the dog park today who disclosed a story about her husband coming down with an incurable cancer and how the dog was therapy for him. She said her husband had now passed, and the dog has become therapeutic for her as well. She also raved about Kaiser. It was nice to meet up with such a kindred spirit. As we sat there and discussed our families, pets, joys, and sorrows, I soon discovered I had found a new friend. She has a sweet Cock-a-poo named Flossy that wasn't scared of me (she said that was rare), and my Roxie and Flossy seemed like best friends.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Going Back To Work
I visited with all three doctors in less than 24 hours, and I came away with a plan to go back to work as a second grade teacher in my ocean theme classroom. First I mulled over my decision with my psychologist. He looked bored as I went around and around stating my reasons to go back versus not to do so. It was actually nice to see him relax for a change. We’ve been so intent on our goal of making me feel brave and confident that talking about the decisions I needed to make seemed almost insignificant by comparison.
We discussed my teaching job, and other ideas I had for career possibilities, but I kept circling around the same idea. I wanted to see if I could handle my old job, and I wanted to come away from the attack a winner. I wanted to feel like my misfortune was not going to get the best of me. I also wanted to see if the best aspect of my job was still going to inspire me. I wanted to learn the answer to my burning question: Do I still LOVE working with children?
I learned that the largest obstacle to my being able to return to work was my belief that I would become extremely stressed out in no time. I know how challenging my job can be. I am intimate with the important characteristics that make a good teacher a great one. Character traits like patience, excellent listening skills, intelligence, and a healthy dose of good humor are necessary for the great ones. Stress can snuff those traits out very fast. It accumulates over time at a rapid pace after the first day of school.
It was suggested that I begin transitioning back to work on a part time basis, so that I could feel confident and relaxed as I reenter my classroom. It made perfect sense. Instead of diving in and racing to get back in the groove, it made me stop and consider the turtle’s way: slowly and methodically. So I decided that I wanted to go back, but not at full capacity. Not yet.
One of the problems with returning at full capacity is the stress, but there are more reasons. The school year and those little minds and hearts needed to be considered as well. While I felt it was important that I slowly become the students’ teacher, I also needed to consider parents’ motivations too. For this reason, my psychiatrist included a statement on my work status report that noted if my employer could not accommodate the part time hours, then I should be considered disabled until Thanksgiving. It wasn’t a request, and it made me feel safe and protected by my team. This is something I don’t feel very often.
I felt like my doctors were reading my mind. I felt like in some magic way, they were able to understand that I am easily persuaded to do things for the greater good without considering what it might do to me over the long haul. But more than anything else, I felt safe to come out of hiding, and I felt ready to face the questions, concerns, and even the uncertainty. I hope I’m ready.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Too Many Naps
I’ve noticed that I have little motivation to do much of anything. I procrastinate working out. I don’t really want to take the dog(s) for a walk. I haven’t ridden my bicycle in ages. In addition, I feel like I want to nap practically every day in the afternoon. If I lie down anywhere in the afternoon, I will most assuredly fall asleep. It feels like a tired headache is looming most afternoons, and I’m so accustomed to having the headaches, it’s a challenge to identify whether it’s a migraine or if I’m simply tired.
I also have this really painful stab of pain sometimes when I rest on my left elbow. I don’t have the same sensation in my right elbow, just my left. I believe there is a leftover injury from the attack like a chip in the bone, or a bruise on the bone. I often wonder if there is something broken, but I have full use of my left arm, so I think it’s okay. I can use my hand weights, not that I am doing that regularly enough, but I know I can do all of my arm exercises. I did them this morning with no trouble at all.
For these reasons, I was glad to visit to my personal physician this morning. We’ve been working for over a year now on managing my migraines. She is the one who made sure I was seen by a psychiatrist back in June. Over the years we’ve developed a collaborative relationship, and so, I decided to talk to her about the headaches, tiredness, and elbow pain to get her thoughts.
She said she thought the elbow pain was tendinitis, but she ordered x-rays of my arm just in case. She prescribed another medication for the headaches called Imitrex. I was directed to take the Imitrex daily - when the headaches are present. She seemed most worried about the tiredness. We discussed how the daily medications I'm taking may be the reason, and she suggested changing the time of day for taking the meds to evening, before retire at night. She also asked me to self check my blood pressure when I am feeling tired and to email her the results, just in case the tiredness is a low blood pressure symptom. She was interested in my resting heart rate in particular. My resting heart rate is a little low – around 55.
I have a feeling that changing the time of day that I take the medicine may just do the trick. I hope so. I want the motivation to get out there and do things. I know the PTSD holds me back a little, especially when I’m in Dublin, but I think the tiredness is more of a culprit. It’s just that it crept up from behind so slowly that it was difficult to recognize until I realized I was taking a nap any day I took the time for one. Naps are fine, but I’d rather have a restful sleep during the night, and I’m not old enough to require a nap in the afternoon.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
To Work or Not to Work
I have been discussing my work status with anyone who will listen. The general consensus from my friends and colleagues is NOT to work, at least, not yet. I am stressed out trying to make a decision one way or the other. Next week will be a doctor marathon. It’s all about trying to answer the “should I go back to work” question. I am due back on October 18th.
On the one hand, I want to go back for several reasons. The first one being I feel like I can do my job now. I can talk to others, I’m not incapacitated when dogs frighten me, and I’m able to handle stressful events without losing it. A more compelling reason to go back to work is so I don't let that awful dog win. I want to beat this thing altogether, and walk away victoriously. I’m not sure if I will feel victorious if I don’t go back to work. I like earning my own money too, and I LOVE that I don’t have to rely on my husband for my source of revenue.
At the same time, I don’t want to go back at all – not ever. The main reason for this is that my job is HARD – extremely hard. Last year I was plagued by stress headaches, and it is painful to think about the noise level and the energy it takes to handle twenty-five little seven year olds for six hours straight five days a week. When my head hurts, I can’t do my job well. More than that, I’m feeling like this is the perfect opportunity for a career change.
The headache thing is an indisputable problem because as the date gets closer for me to go back to the classroom, I am having more and more headaches. I had three this past week – I had one on Sunday night, I had one on Tuesday night, and I had one last night. I decided this merited a check-in with my personal physician. One of my meds is supposed to manage the headaches, but it feels like I am having more headaches than usual these days.
My psychologist says I may feel the head pain because I am blocking my memories. I feel like I’ve done a lot of work with the EMDR, but I can sense there is more work to be done. I still have small flashes of memory, but it’s not the whole story any longer. It’s just bits and pieces. I hate doing the EMDR work because it’s so emotionally draining, yet I’m feeling less afraid everywhere I go because of the EMDR treatment. Of that, I am certain.
One of my friends said, “Tell them to set you up for success.”
I liked how that sounded. My main goal should be for me to succeed. But the question remains: Is success finishing the school year as a teacher, or is it to be strong enough to leave and begin a new career?
On the one hand, I want to go back for several reasons. The first one being I feel like I can do my job now. I can talk to others, I’m not incapacitated when dogs frighten me, and I’m able to handle stressful events without losing it. A more compelling reason to go back to work is so I don't let that awful dog win. I want to beat this thing altogether, and walk away victoriously. I’m not sure if I will feel victorious if I don’t go back to work. I like earning my own money too, and I LOVE that I don’t have to rely on my husband for my source of revenue.
At the same time, I don’t want to go back at all – not ever. The main reason for this is that my job is HARD – extremely hard. Last year I was plagued by stress headaches, and it is painful to think about the noise level and the energy it takes to handle twenty-five little seven year olds for six hours straight five days a week. When my head hurts, I can’t do my job well. More than that, I’m feeling like this is the perfect opportunity for a career change.
The headache thing is an indisputable problem because as the date gets closer for me to go back to the classroom, I am having more and more headaches. I had three this past week – I had one on Sunday night, I had one on Tuesday night, and I had one last night. I decided this merited a check-in with my personal physician. One of my meds is supposed to manage the headaches, but it feels like I am having more headaches than usual these days.
My psychologist says I may feel the head pain because I am blocking my memories. I feel like I’ve done a lot of work with the EMDR, but I can sense there is more work to be done. I still have small flashes of memory, but it’s not the whole story any longer. It’s just bits and pieces. I hate doing the EMDR work because it’s so emotionally draining, yet I’m feeling less afraid everywhere I go because of the EMDR treatment. Of that, I am certain.
One of my friends said, “Tell them to set you up for success.”
I liked how that sounded. My main goal should be for me to succeed. But the question remains: Is success finishing the school year as a teacher, or is it to be strong enough to leave and begin a new career?
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The Cute Pink Shopping Bag
I had been neglecting my car for too long. It was time for a visit to the muffler shop. I received my annual auto registration notice in the mail, and noted that my car needed to pass a smog test. This is something I actually LIKE to do. I believe that it is possibly the best legislation in California. There is already too much smog in our world. By taking this measure we are insuring that our cars are not inadvertently polluting. My car is a 2002, so it was time to make sure everything was working correctly, and from the sound of it, everything wasn’t.
I began my smog adventure by driving to The Smog Station – there is a mechanic there who I trust, I think his name is Troy. My car had been making awful noises and I thought I had a hole in the muffler. It sounded loud and obnoxious whenever I stepped on the gas pedal. My daughter would comment, “Dad paid lots of money to make his car sound like that.” We would chuckle out loud. Unfortunately, Troy doesn’t do exhaust work, but he recommended a place called Minuet Muffler. Wow. The mechanic, Scott, was amazing.
Scott ordered my part, and said he would call me when it arrived. After he called, I went down to his shop, and he informed me that it would take about thirty minutes to install. I decided to walk to Safeway to pick up a few things, thinking there was no way it would be done when I got back.
I felt strange walking alone on the busy street from Minuet Muffler to Safeway. While inside shopping, my psychologist called me to see if I could pick up a canceled appointment later that day. At this point, I wasn’t sure about my car, so I turned down the offer. Car repair is such a hassle; it really disrupts the timetable. When I hung up the phone, I was choking back tears. I had to cancel my appointment last week, and now I couldn’t take this appointment either. We did carve out a time that I could go next week, but I still felt lousy about not being able to talk to him. I feel so vulnerable when I come out of my shell.
I finished my shopping, and went to check out. The cashier asked if I wanted to make a donation to breast cancer research. October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and this is Safeway’s way of helping the cause. I donated a couple of dollars and received the cutest pink shopping bag. Because of my new little female doggie, Roxie, pink is my color of choice these days. The cashier thanked me over the intercom for the donation with a cheer, and bagged my groceries in the pink shopping bag.
I felt proud walking back to Minuet Muffler on the busiest street in Dublin. I hoped everyone saw me carrying my groceries in that pink bag. My mother-in-law lost her battle with cancer when she was 57 years old, and a couple of years ago, a friend of mine lost his sister to cancer. For both of them breast cancer was only the beginning of a string of cancers they had to battle. Both of them lost. I can sure sympathize with that. I still feel lucky to be alive.
I arrived back at Minuet Muffler pink bag of groceries in hand, and my car was already done! Scott charged me only $40 to fix the problem. I was impressed to say the least. Just a month ago a different mechanic had told me that I likely needed a new exhaust system. Thank goodness for honest people.
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| Roxie and the Pink Shopping Bag |
Monday, October 4, 2010
A Healing Napa Valley Excursion
Roxie went with my husband and me on a “date.” I wanted to do something fun and out of the ordinary to keep me going on the right track. Before Hardy’s death, we loved to go to wine country and mull around, dine, go to parks, or just go sightseeing. I believe it’s one of the most beautiful valleys on Earth. I always feel relaxed and comfortable there, so we decided that was the place to take her.
It was a lovely drive, but she still trembled when we first set off in the car. It took her around ten minutes to stop trembling, but the car trip was about an hour and a half, so by the time we got there she was relaxed. Our first stop was Mumm Napa Valley. Since it was early afternoon, we thought that stopping there would be a good idea. My husband found a parking spot in the shade, and we went to see if the place was “pet friendly.” It was!
When we first walked into the tasting room, we were surprised to see that it was really more like a restaurant. Roxie was trembling again, but when our waitress brought her a bone and a stainless steel bowl of water, she began to perk up. People commented about how cute she was, and spoke kindly and softly to her. Very soon, she was having a good time, and so were we.
Next we were off to our favorite pet friendly restaurant in St. Helena called, Tra Vigne. Again Roxie came in trembling and left contented. What dog wouldn’t LOVE going to a restaurant with waiters carrying around delectable tidbits designed to tantalize the taste buds. She seemed to really like one of the waiters, one who I’m disappointed to note, wasn’t serving us. No matter. We sat comfortably in the warm afternoon dappled shade, and relaxed with our lovely Sunday brunch treats.
After that we were off to Dean and Deluca St. Helena. We had planned to stock up on a couple bottles of Napa wine, but just couldn’t seem to locate the perfect bottles, so we opted for a delicious caramel, chocolate chip, bar cookie for the road trip home. We made our way to the Silverado Trail and went looking Miner Family Vineyards. I am a huge fan of their Viognier. We were both disappointed in the wines we tasted, however. Maybe it was because we had just consumed a deliciously sweet cookie, but even so, I’m not sure their 2009 whites are as good as last year’s release.
Roxie seemed relieved to be home again. She really is a lot like me. We aren’t scared of the same things, but we are definitely wary when we are not in our home. From my perspective, this was the best trip out since the attack. I realize that my mind stays engaged and I am distracted from fearful things because I feel obliged to attend to Roxie’s fearful state. It was an excellent therapeutic trip for both of us, and I believe we both developed in complexity from our time in the Napa Valley.
It was a lovely drive, but she still trembled when we first set off in the car. It took her around ten minutes to stop trembling, but the car trip was about an hour and a half, so by the time we got there she was relaxed. Our first stop was Mumm Napa Valley. Since it was early afternoon, we thought that stopping there would be a good idea. My husband found a parking spot in the shade, and we went to see if the place was “pet friendly.” It was!
When we first walked into the tasting room, we were surprised to see that it was really more like a restaurant. Roxie was trembling again, but when our waitress brought her a bone and a stainless steel bowl of water, she began to perk up. People commented about how cute she was, and spoke kindly and softly to her. Very soon, she was having a good time, and so were we.
Next we were off to our favorite pet friendly restaurant in St. Helena called, Tra Vigne. Again Roxie came in trembling and left contented. What dog wouldn’t LOVE going to a restaurant with waiters carrying around delectable tidbits designed to tantalize the taste buds. She seemed to really like one of the waiters, one who I’m disappointed to note, wasn’t serving us. No matter. We sat comfortably in the warm afternoon dappled shade, and relaxed with our lovely Sunday brunch treats.
After that we were off to Dean and Deluca St. Helena. We had planned to stock up on a couple bottles of Napa wine, but just couldn’t seem to locate the perfect bottles, so we opted for a delicious caramel, chocolate chip, bar cookie for the road trip home. We made our way to the Silverado Trail and went looking Miner Family Vineyards. I am a huge fan of their Viognier. We were both disappointed in the wines we tasted, however. Maybe it was because we had just consumed a deliciously sweet cookie, but even so, I’m not sure their 2009 whites are as good as last year’s release.
Roxie seemed relieved to be home again. She really is a lot like me. We aren’t scared of the same things, but we are definitely wary when we are not in our home. From my perspective, this was the best trip out since the attack. I realize that my mind stays engaged and I am distracted from fearful things because I feel obliged to attend to Roxie’s fearful state. It was an excellent therapeutic trip for both of us, and I believe we both developed in complexity from our time in the Napa Valley.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Two Strikes and A Hit
It was a rough day today. I went over to our rental home, just to say hi to my husband. I also felt like it was time for me to make sure it looked “showable.” I quickly discovered it was not. My husband had made certain that everything was in working order, but the aesthetics of the place was less than desirable. I wouldn’t want to rent the place.
I did a little walk through, Roxie in tow, making mental notes about what needed to be added to make it look homier. It needed a few towels, some accessories for the kitchen, a couple of tiebacks for the curtains, plants, and I also decided a folding table with a nice table cloth and chairs were needed in the dining room. Now it doesn’t look as cold and barren. It looks inviting, with tons of potential.
While I was making those mental notes, I went out to my car, again bringing Roxie with me. While I was out there, a shorthaired, tan colored dog charged Roxie and me. It was terrifying! I screamed for help, but by the time my husband noticed what was going on, it was over. Nothing bad happened, except that I was mush by the time the dog ran away from us. I screamed at it to go home, and I pointed across the street. Unbelievably, the dog obeyed me. But the damage was already done.
I ran to the safety of my car, and sat inside. I quickly got out my purse, as my husband came around to the window. I asked him for some type of drink, and I popped the anxiety medicine with some Gatorade that he had in his truck. I was in tears and breathing rapidly by the time I was able to swallow that pill. I survived, but I was shaking and freaked out. I even had a flashback. It was agonizing.
But it didn’t end there. I drove home and calmed down for awhile. I decided that I didn’t want that scare to define my day, so I loaded up the car with guest towels, plants, and other staging items, and off I went to decorate the rental. When I got there, my mood had improved enough to function, and I felt relaxed as I transformed the place. This is the rewarding part of being a landlord. Placing decorative touches throughout the house to make it look like a home. I finished up with a trip to the local nursery, picking up some chrysanthemums for some floral color spots.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw our neighbor getting ready to go for a motorcycle ride. I decided to go over and say hello, with the intent to discuss an overgrown tree that I thought was hanging too much into his yard. I was treated with animosity and disrespect. In fact, he said I had only been nice to him when I wanted something, and that I was an “effing bitch.”Only he said the real words! I couldn’t believe my ears.
As he drove off in a huff, I went and knocked at the door to talk to his wife about this. I had no idea why he thought I was the enemy, but I had been convinced by him, that I was. His wife was genuinely surprised at his behavior and stated that this was entirely out of character. She apologized for him, and as we talked she even gave me a hug. Overall the experience would have upset me beyond recovery except that before I finally left the rental, I went to a discount store to pick up a couple pairs of curtains. While looking for curtains, I discovered the cutest, softest doggie bed. I simply HAD to have it for Roxie. So I bought a special gift for her.
There is nothing like a dog at home to keep your mind off your troubles! I brought the bed straight into the family room to see if Roxie liked it. She is scared of most things, and withdraws and retreats from anything that makes her feel uncomfortable, so I was a little worried. As usual, this worry was a waste of time. Roxie LOVED her new bed.
I did a little walk through, Roxie in tow, making mental notes about what needed to be added to make it look homier. It needed a few towels, some accessories for the kitchen, a couple of tiebacks for the curtains, plants, and I also decided a folding table with a nice table cloth and chairs were needed in the dining room. Now it doesn’t look as cold and barren. It looks inviting, with tons of potential.
While I was making those mental notes, I went out to my car, again bringing Roxie with me. While I was out there, a shorthaired, tan colored dog charged Roxie and me. It was terrifying! I screamed for help, but by the time my husband noticed what was going on, it was over. Nothing bad happened, except that I was mush by the time the dog ran away from us. I screamed at it to go home, and I pointed across the street. Unbelievably, the dog obeyed me. But the damage was already done.
I ran to the safety of my car, and sat inside. I quickly got out my purse, as my husband came around to the window. I asked him for some type of drink, and I popped the anxiety medicine with some Gatorade that he had in his truck. I was in tears and breathing rapidly by the time I was able to swallow that pill. I survived, but I was shaking and freaked out. I even had a flashback. It was agonizing.
But it didn’t end there. I drove home and calmed down for awhile. I decided that I didn’t want that scare to define my day, so I loaded up the car with guest towels, plants, and other staging items, and off I went to decorate the rental. When I got there, my mood had improved enough to function, and I felt relaxed as I transformed the place. This is the rewarding part of being a landlord. Placing decorative touches throughout the house to make it look like a home. I finished up with a trip to the local nursery, picking up some chrysanthemums for some floral color spots.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw our neighbor getting ready to go for a motorcycle ride. I decided to go over and say hello, with the intent to discuss an overgrown tree that I thought was hanging too much into his yard. I was treated with animosity and disrespect. In fact, he said I had only been nice to him when I wanted something, and that I was an “effing bitch.”Only he said the real words! I couldn’t believe my ears.
As he drove off in a huff, I went and knocked at the door to talk to his wife about this. I had no idea why he thought I was the enemy, but I had been convinced by him, that I was. His wife was genuinely surprised at his behavior and stated that this was entirely out of character. She apologized for him, and as we talked she even gave me a hug. Overall the experience would have upset me beyond recovery except that before I finally left the rental, I went to a discount store to pick up a couple pairs of curtains. While looking for curtains, I discovered the cutest, softest doggie bed. I simply HAD to have it for Roxie. So I bought a special gift for her.
There is nothing like a dog at home to keep your mind off your troubles! I brought the bed straight into the family room to see if Roxie liked it. She is scared of most things, and withdraws and retreats from anything that makes her feel uncomfortable, so I was a little worried. As usual, this worry was a waste of time. Roxie LOVED her new bed.
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| Roxie's New Bed |
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