To Work or Not to Work

I have been discussing my work status with anyone who will listen. The general consensus from my friends and colleagues is NOT to work, at least, not yet. I am stressed out trying to make a decision one way or the other. Next week will be a doctor marathon. It’s all about trying to answer the “should I go back to work” question. I am due back on October 18th.

On the one hand, I want to go back for several reasons. The first one being I feel like I can do my job now. I can talk to others, I’m not incapacitated when dogs frighten me, and I’m able to handle stressful events without losing it. A more compelling reason to go back to work is so I don't let that awful dog win. I want to beat this thing altogether, and walk away victoriously. I’m not sure if I will feel victorious if I don’t go back to work. I like earning my own money too, and I LOVE that I don’t have to rely on my husband for my source of revenue.

At the same time, I don’t want to go back at all – not ever. The main reason for this is that my job is HARD – extremely hard. Last year I was plagued by stress headaches, and it is painful to think about the noise level and the energy it takes to handle twenty-five little seven year olds for six hours straight five days a week. When my head hurts, I can’t do my job well. More than that, I’m feeling like this is the perfect opportunity for a career change.

The headache thing is an indisputable problem because as the date gets closer for me to go back to the classroom, I am having more and more headaches. I had three this past week – I had one on Sunday night, I had one on Tuesday night, and I had one last night. I decided this merited a check-in with my personal physician. One of my meds is supposed to manage the headaches, but it feels like I am having more headaches than usual these days.

My psychologist says I may feel the head pain because I am blocking my memories. I feel like I’ve done a lot of work with the EMDR, but I can sense there is more work to be done. I still have small flashes of memory, but it’s not the whole story any longer. It’s just bits and pieces. I hate doing the EMDR work because it’s so emotionally draining, yet I’m feeling less afraid everywhere I go because of the EMDR treatment. Of that, I am certain.

One of my friends said, “Tell them to set you up for success.”

I liked how that sounded. My main goal should be for me to succeed. But the question remains: Is success finishing the school year as a teacher, or is it to be strong enough to leave and begin a new career?