I Saw the Owner!

Yesterday I went out for a walk with the dogs, and I saw the owner of the attack dog. He was outside mowing his lawn with an electric mower. First I recognized the electric mower, and not realizing where I was, I commented to myself, "Wow. Someone who cares about the environment."

Then I realized where I was, and I realized who it was. Even though he was mowing away from me, I became very scared. I thought ...if that's the attack dog's owner, he's probably not a very nice guy. But he looked nice. I saw him from the back. He was tall, lean, and had short, light brown hair. He looked young - about twenty-eight. I was scared to look at him, and I began running to get further down the block.

Since his garage door was open, I was reminded of the first attack by his dog. I was told that it attacked and killed a chihuahua because attack dog's owner had left the garage door open. The owner of the chihuahua was walking his two chihuahuas by the house (not the one in my neighborhood), and the attack dog killed one of the chihuahuas. I wondered what happened to those people, and the doggie that survived.

The next thing I knew, I was approaching the trail head. I had run far without noticing. The dogs were panting, and so was I. I slowed down and caught my breath. It caused me to focus on how far I had come, both figuratively and literally. I felt forgiveness. At the same time, I realized that I was still not healed from the attack. I was able to let it go, and walk around the circle that has become my new route, but in doing so, I realized several realities.

I still have not walked on the same side of the street as my home in the direction towards the creek trail alone. I have not walked back in the return direction from the creek trail (the way we walked the day of the attack) alone, nor have I done so on the same side of the street. I avoid driving in that direction when I come home from work so I don't have to see the house from that perspective. I continue to consciously choose my walk route when I depart from my home to keep myself feeling safe.

The last time I spoke with my psychologist, I didn't want to do any more EMDR. He said I didn't have to, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I felt like I still needed to. I realized yesterday that I do still need to, but I still don't want to. I guess I'm still avoiding that place, and feeling the feelings that come with remembering. I still think about Hardy fondly, and sometimes there is grief that hurts. I have a new doggie that I love, but I still don't think there will be another dog as cool as my Hardy.