It was easy to quell the flashbacks in London. We were really busy. There was a lot to do, and there was the whole adjusting to the time change thing. In Athenry (pronounced ATH-en-rye), the pace isn’t as quick. We are staying in a home instead of a hotel. There’s more time to think. People are quiet here.
Not that I’ve had the easiest time. There was one night in London when I couldn’t sleep, and I just kept thinking and thinking and thinking. Earlier that day we saw what looked like two pit bulls on leashes, and another big dog that was off leash in a park filled with people. I was terrified, and I hid behind a thick pole. A man was following the off leash dog around the park, calling the dog’s name. The other dogs were held by what must have been the other owner. The three of these dogs eventually merged into a group, and the men and their dogs walked away. It was extremely frightening.
That was a huge flashback trigger. I ended up taking one of the anxiety pills that night, and eventually (albeit fretfully), I went to sleep. The next day I began telling my family to prepare to move from our old home. I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t want to live in that neighborhood anymore. When I’m there, the memories about what happened are the worst. I don’t know how I will ever be able to walk past that house down the street without remembering how Hardy was attacked and killed right before my eyes.
I had a bad flashback about 30 minutes ago. We were walking home from a trip to the local market and I heard a child screaming loudly. It triggered the part where I screamed for help, and how I never stopped screaming until I began staggering home. That was a LONG time. The memory of it ran all the way from when Hardy was still alive to the end. I began weeping as we walked to the Athenry home, and I couldn’t stop until I was able to verbalize my thoughts. I needed support once again, and once again, it was my daughter who was there for me. I would be crazy by now if it weren’t for her.
It also happens when I am sitting in the car - when no one is talking and I’m not navigating. The car we are using has no working stereo system either so when it’s quiet, it happens. Out of nowhere I just begin to cry. It doesn’t seem like this will ever end. What is bothering me NOW is that I will never see him again. I will never get to pet him again. I will never get to give him a bath and groom him. And worst of all, he will NOT be there waiting for my return home – like I had originally planned. The most precious thing in my life has been stolen from me, and I will never be the same because of the way it happened.
3 comments:
Kath... This sounds like Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Think you know that right? I have somethings to share with you about PTSS but I will not do it here. You will have to find ways to fight it.... think you are working with someone. It is possible to get past it but not without work.
I know you really miss Hardy and loved him bunches, but your last statement upsets me. Nothing about the way you lost Hardy was fair or right. In fact it was All nasty, and unfair and just wrong. However I think you are forgetting all that you do have. You are blessed with very Precious children, you have Paul, you have siblings. You still have your mom and dad! THESE ARE PRECIOUS! Do not forget it... you are rich in love, surrounded by people that care.
Keep your good memories of Hardy enjoy them! Then... Decide Now that you will be the same again, and work hard to get there. You Can!
It is over a month now since Katherine's precious dog Hardy was brutally taken from her and not only have I not been able to write here but everytime I think of what happened or read her words, along with the other comments, the tears just stream down my face. Its like a continuous nightmare and I don't want to keep reliving it. I think being a mom, we suffer doubly and many times in silence, when our child is in pain. We just want to take the pain away... and in this case, no matter what I do or say or type, the reality is I cannot bring her precious dog Hardy back to her.
Chico, who was Hardy's buddy of eight years, is currently sitting by my legs. He's looking at me with his big sad beautiful brown eyes and seems to be saying "please don't cry any more Noni ...It'll be O.K." He is trying to cheer me up. Its like he's saying that he knows he has to adjust too, just like all of us. How long it will take, only God knows. But, I will continually pray, as I have during the course of this month, that Katherine's flashbacks will subside and sleep will come easier as the days progress. To those of you reading this, I hope you will add your prayers.
Thanks for your kind words! Sometimes I feel so alone in all of this. I am getting help from a therapist, and I will see him shortly after my return. Until then, we are really busy here in the UK. Keeping busy is really important. I love you guys! Thanks for making me feel your support from so far away. I needed to share the bad times too because it helps me to let go of it here.
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