Surviving and Coping

Experts say that making any major changes during bereavement isn’t a good idea. Coping with the usual routines are enough of a challenge. In fact, keeping things as routine as possible is the recommended course of action. That must be why the backlash over running away to Europe (even though it was planned months before the tragedy) is taking its toll. I was forced to put my coping strategies on the back burner while I was on vacation. It was a huge temporary dose of denial, and life picked up exactly where I left off, so the grieving process currently continues at full speed.

I studied psychology in college, so I was already intimate with the stages of the grieving process: denial, anger, bargaining, sorrow/depression, and acceptance. The current challenge is trying to live my life while these stages and emotions ebb and flow throughout the daily routine, and when all those upsetting thoughts recur before retiring at night. I’ve found that sleep is a double-edged sword. It numbs the grief temporarily, but the grief usually floods back upon awakening.

I can see a picture of acceptance from time to time, not that I’m there by any means. For example, I’m not in denial about looking for Hardy in the house anymore - over 50% of the time. It seems to me that I’m not imagining him (or subconsciously expecting to see him) around doors as much, and I don’t expect him to be there to greet me upon my return. I am painfully aware that he is not in our house long before I open the door. It’s when I’m completely relaxed that I forget. It’s when the subconscious is still running on autopilot, and I’m not fully IN my body that I get into trouble.

Coping with the daily stressors of life throw me far off center. ANY type of confrontation can turn me into a weeping blob. Even the smallest thing like making a decision about Internet and television services is difficult. I begin the initial conversation normally, but someplace in the middle, I frequently lose control over my emotions – simply from the stress of it. I can get the task at hand completed, but not without some sort of support or understanding on the other end, and not until after I’ve disclosed the reason for my weakened state of being.

For example, I needed to negotiate the terms of our home entertainment, and while I was fortunate enough to get everything up to speed, I couldn’t do it all without losing my composure. I was fortunate that there was an understanding customer service representative on the other line. It helped me to learn that the people I am afraid of confronting, can additionally be a source of comfort - if I disclose the real problem. After revealing that there had been a death in the family, I found that the representative was kind and caring, and he even provided me with a little food for thought. 

The most important concept I came away with was that the one who has passed wants everyone involved to move on and live life as fully and happily as possible. It doesn’t matter if it’s a child, a parent, a friend, or a pet. If we could only hear the voice of the one who has passed, we would hear nothing but support and encouragement.