Reclaiming my Neighborhood

I wrote the following message before I went for my first walk in the neighborhood today. Was it a suicide note? Not sure. I wanted to do it consciously however. I wanted to reclaim my neighborhood as something I loved.

"I am moving slowly and deliberately. I have decided it’s time to try to go out in my neighborhood and walk. I’m not going to go for a long walk, but I want to try to walk by the attack house. I’ve driven passed it several times now, and I think I can manage the away direction, but not the return one. I’ve decided to walk in a circle and come back from a different direction.

But first… I plan to visualize me doing this successfully. I may or may not do it today, but I really want to try to do it before my next session with my psychologist. I have lived through walking in this neighborhood. I have lived through reliving the incident. I think I am ready to try experiencing it. My psychiatrist told me that it would be a way to reclaim my neighborhood. It was my idea to try it for the first time by myself, with no dog in tow.

So my plan is to walk alone – no dogs. I plan to walk along the opposite side of the street and down to the park. Then all that’s left to do is come back home from a different direction. I plan to write about the results when I get back.”

This was a place that I desired to live for several years before we actually began pursuing owners with fliers so we could purchase a home. We didn’t even use a Realtor when we bought. We negotiated with the owners of the place, and used a real estate lawyer to help us finalize the deal. I simply knew I would love it because of the location that backed up to open space, and the beautiful walking trail.

I walked that trail today! It was tough going by the attack house, but I kept reminding myself and repeating over and over… “That dog is gone.” The next thing I knew I was at the top of the trail and walking down the paved path through the oak trees and the winding creek. There were birds and squirrels, and best of all, I remembered Hardy. It was a little like he was with me as I went for my walk. It felt like I was playing the Wii Fit Plus biking game and your dog all of sudden shows up and runs alongside.

Once at the park, I was winded and needed to use the public restroom. My nerves were a little jumpy and my stomach was churning. But no panic attack, just an attack of nervousness. I resumed my walk home from the opposite direction I had left. This was foreign territory because Hardy and I always simply turned around and walked back. It was nice walking through the neighborhood; it was shadier than I thought it would be.

When I got home, I was just excited to be back inside the house, and I was reminded that this must be what Roxie felt like a lot of the time. Her body language is a little unpredictable. She will advance, and then retreat, and she bumps into people and/or objects even when she seems to be trying to avoid them.

I had used the time away from the dogs to practice using the crate, so she will be able to stay behind when I need her to. Before I left I gave her a little introduction to the crate, but it seemed like someone had already crate trained her. She went in with no problem and didn’t cry or fuss when left behind. In all I was only gone for about thirty minutes, and I was as proud of her when I got back as I was of myself. It was a banner day!