Getting Ready for Holiday

The family European holiday is fast approaching. We will be bound for London later this week. This was a vacation I had planned back in early spring. I have been looking forward to the trip for months, but today my expectations are somewhat low. I have never been to Europe, so it is difficult for me not to feel a little eager to experience something entirely different. It’s strange - feeling eagerness when it’s mixed up with an underlying feeling of grief. It feels a little out of control.

Writing my thoughts and feelings down in the morning has been therapeutic for me. I once read that it’s easier to let go of thoughts when they are written down. It has been true for me, in this case. For example, I doubt if I will ever read, In Case You Wonder What Happened, ever again. The reason I wrote it down was for the purpose of letting it go.

I have to force that particular discharge a little. It's difficult to forget about the attack scene. It seems to hover around the corner, just like that awful dog, waiting to attack. I know time will help, but it is truly agonizing when the thoughts come back. I have more to write about that, but I’m still not ready. There were true heroes on that day, and some of my neighbors have genuinely bestowed their deepest condolences in a way that has been heartwarming. I know that I am not the only one who is recovering from that horrifying day.

Yet, without effort, I am obliged to resume my thoughts about this upcoming trip. I made a new smaller, and more convenient, camera tote for myself. I got lazy taking pictures. I have so many photos of Hardy as a puppy, and during the beginning years, but there are precious few tangible pictures of him after I went digital. Some are missing due to crashed computers and some are likely on a set of 3 ½ inch floppy disks that I’d saved. Maybe someday I will discover a way to access these.

At some point in my life, I had decided that it was better to experience the moment fully and have those memories rather than disrupt the moment by taking snap shots. I was wrong. I had forgotten the satisfaction that came from taking, and looking at, candids. Years ago, when I was in high school, I took a black and white photography class three years in a row. For some time after high school, I continued to take photography classes. I have recently discovered that hiding behind a camera is both healing and gratifying. I appreciate the healing power the pictures have. The printed ones are particularly special.

In the meantime, my favorite photo of Hardy rests on my bookshelf in a beautiful frame next to his urn. I have also created a photo album for when I feel like remembering the moments I was inspired by him to use a camera. I hope to capture an image of my family on our European holiday - one that will likely be on our annual Christmas card. I have discovered that those annual Christmas card photos are a treasure, especially during the grieving process.