I’ve been back at home for a little over twenty-four hours, and I’ve already had another melt down. I had only been back for about ten hours (eight of them I spent sleeping), and I lost it. I keep seeing Hardy everywhere. With every door I open or close, I can almost feel him scurrying around my feet. I envision him too. I go out to my garden, and I watch for him as I go in or out of the doorway. I wonder if he’s here, or if I’m just imagining it. When I was getting a glass of water from the kitchen, I looked up at his urn (it has a Mini Schnauzer figurine on it, looking upwards). It looked like the Schnauzer (Hardy) was howling. But it’s really me who is howling. It’s my turn to howl.
My parents delivered my daughter’s dog today. It’s nice to have him here, but he is clearly not my dog, and he’s also not the family dog. In fact, he really hasn’t lived here for over two years. Chico is my daughter’s dog. He’s really happy to see my daughter, and he slept in her lap most of the day. I’m jealous. My dog should be here too. My parents were supposed to watch both of the dogs while we were away.
I couldn’t make it all the way to the sidewalk when I walked my parents out. At one point I freaked out and walked back to the porch. I’ve been crying chronically throughout the day too. I really don’t like being in this house! I wonder how long it will be before I bail. It was so easy when we were on holiday. All of our time was taken up with activities and sightseeing. My schedule was planned. Now I am trying to make plans to fill up the time.
I notice even the smallest of details throughout my day. For example, I have a black and blue mark where the attack dog bit me on my left hand. The bruise is underneath the fingernail of my left ring finger. I have another bruise on my right toenail. It has been there since my trip to wine country last spring when Hardy tagged along with my husband and me. I noticed both bruises today because I remember how I got both of them, but it’s the emotional bruises that are more painful. I’ve had at least five flashbacks today. My hands won’t stop shaking and I can feel my blood pressure is high. I’m certain to take an anxiety pill tonight to get to sleep.
3 comments:
Kath....... I so understand the house thing. Seeing your little guy everywhere. I went through that with every dog I have lost. You just miss them soooo much! Even today my little girl went to the groomer. She was gone just 2 hours, and I missed her. I do not look forward to the day she moves on. UG.
Your situation has got to be so much harder... because of the way it happened. The attack on you alone would be enough to make you have reactions to your own neighborhood. I hope your therapist is really skilled and will help you heal from this. Do not know if leaving is the answer, or if making this area YOURS again is..... I know it will take work.
Question.... why do you wait to take your anxiety meds? I would think at this time you would be taking them on a regular schedule.
My therapist is away right now. I see him first week in August. I only have three anxiety pills left. They really knock me out. I don't like feeling that way.
Call and see if you can get your meds refilled. Most doctors have someone filling in or taking calls for them. A short talk on the phone might be all it takes to have enough anxiety pills to hold you until your therapist gets back. If that does not work call your GP .... if you explain the situation I am pretty sure you could again have enough to hold out. It will make you more comfortable just knowing you have them.
Post a Comment