Still Working Hard To Get Better

It’s been exactly three months since the attack, and I went on my first walk alone - somewhat near my neighborhood. Afterwards, I went to Nordstrom to pick up some pants for my daughter. It was a true challenge, but I did it. I’m really proud of myself! Even though I know, and can physically feel, that this was way too much way too soon.

My anxiety level is really high. If I rank it on a scale of one to ten, it’s about seven. Two times during the walk I felt a panic attack coming on, but I was able to stop both of them. Still, I feel like taking an anxiety med. I don't want to, because they are prescribed for panic attacks, but I might. I’m going to try to meditate after I write to see if I can, and if it helps.

I may be pushing myself too hard. I really want to get better, and I am tired of being scared everywhere I go. I also hate that I can’t go places alone without being hyper vigilant. I’m hoping with time the hyper vigilance will ease away to normal, but for now it’s something I deal with daily. The other reason I am pushing myself is because I’ve adopted a Miniature Schnauzer little girl. I wasn’t sure if I was ready, but I saw her at the Northern California Miniature Schnauzer Rescue website, and I thought she looked so cute so I inquired about her.

I soon discovered that she had not been socialized at all in one and a half years. She is extremely skittish, and when I met her both Ashley and I said on different occasions that she reminded us of me when I was first diagnosed with PTSD. She has a very sweet temperament, but she is scared most of the time. Now I have a pet that is more scared than I am, and I am not going to let her stay that way. I am going to rehabilitate her, and through this I believe that we will both get better faster. I’m calling her Roxie.

Roxie's First Day at her Forever Home

So even though I knew that it was going to be a challenge to walk with her, I felt the fear, and I did it anyway. I tried to remember the Green Sea Turtles in the cove in Hawaii. I’ve pretty much lost that insightful image, but I forced myself to go through with the walk anyway. We didn’t embark from my home. I took both Chico and Roxie in my car and drove to the park that leads to the trail. Then we walked to the dog park (which I assumed would be empty at this time). I’ve been planning to go to the dog park at a time when there were no dogs, so this was my chance.

I stayed at the dog park, for Roxie, for about fifteen minutes – even though there was one dog and her master inside. The dog was a golden/poodle mix, and she was completely harmless. She really shouldn’t have been on the small dog side, but the owner was afraid to go to the large dog side. I soon discovered there was a Pit Bull in the large dog side, so I worked my way out of there. I walked back to my car. That was panic attack possibility number one.

Before I was able to make it to the car was panic attack possibility number two. My car was parked between the trail and some people walking their large dogs on the other side of a public restroom. From a distance the dogs looked safe, but the closer I got, the scarier those dogs looked. It’s the color, size, and texture of their coat that makes them look scary to me. If I can’t see an escape route, that’s what causes the panic attack. Fortunately, I was able to get around the dogs by circling the outside of the bathroom in the opposite direction. Once on the other side of the bathroom, I was safe. The next thing I knew, I was inside my car. I let out a huge sigh of relief.

At Nordstrom, I just went in and out. I located the pants in the correct color and size and went to the counter to purchase. It’s a challenge interacting with humans. I saw a co-worker who was on maternity leave, while the sales lady pressured me to open an account. I opened the account, but only because I didn’t want to experience any conflict, and the sales lady got nicer once I said yes. It took too long, and I felt really awful by the time we were done, and after catching up a little with the new mom, I was sweating profusely.

These were all HUGE steps for me, and I am exhausted. I need to take a little breather and get back a sense of homeostasis. Right now I feel totally stressed out, and I have a massive urge to go to bed and sleep. The back of my neck is tight, and it feels like I’m going to get a headache. I decided to take a quarter of a panic pill, and I can feel the anxiety subsiding. So much for meditation.