I'm Not Giving Up!

Whew. I’ve been through a lot in the past 24 hours. I don’t really have all of my wits about me right now, but I feel like I want to post something because I just finished emailing my boss and the human resources department. I had to inform them about what is going on in my life.

I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) yesterday. Now there is a name to the messed up condition that comprises my days and nights. I don’t like the label, but at least I am getting help for it. I also got a Work Status Report that excuses me from working for a month. I feel relieved about that aspect, because I don’t feel ready to educate, manage, and watch over the twenty-five students to which I will be responsible. I don’t want them or their parents to see me breakdown at work either.

In a way it’s a relief and a curse. I had been taking a prescription medicine for managing my frequent migraine headaches. Since I was feeling more anxiety then I’ve ever experienced in my day, I thought it would be best to talk to my personal physician about getting my medicine changed – which she did.

After visiting my doctor, I went to talk with my psychologist. It was intense, but I came away feeling hopeful that I could try a new therapy that helps people deal with traumatic events at my next visit. It’s called, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) treatment. One search on Google using the words eye therapy got me to their website. I’m not exactly sure how it works, but at this point, I trust my psychologist, and I’m willing to try anything to stop the panic attacks and daily anxiety. I’d also like to be able to stay at my home in Dublin for more than a week without freaking out at regular intervals.

I worked with my psychologist for an hour, but before I left, I followed my doctor’s advice and asked to make an appointment to see a psychiatrist for the purpose of getting my new medications on track correctly. It turned out that her next appointment was either a week away, or the same day (about thirty minutes later). I took the same day appointment, and I finished meeting with my medical “team” and came away with several new medications to help with certain aspects of my day, as well as the aforementioned Work Status Report.

I was informed by the pharmacist not to begin taking any of the new meds until after I got to Santa Cruz because my ability to operate the car effectively could have been impaired. So I waited to take them until I was safely back inside the condo.

Since I LOVE sailing so much, and I was told by my doctor to try and do things that I like to do every day, I decided to try out sailing before going to the Santa Cruz abode. In all the times that I’ve been sailing, it’s never been scary. NEVER. In fact, before the attack, I had been moving towards learning to sail with my spouse, and eventually getting a sailboat. Our dream was to sail to Friday Harbor someday in the near future. We would have brought Hardy along too. The one thing I could be sure of was that there wouldn’t be ANY dogs there!

It didn’t matter. It was anxiety provoking. There were moments when I could remember why I loved to sail. It’s so beautiful. But the ocean is so powerful, and we took a few harsh waves onto the deck. By the time we rounded back towards the harbor, I couldn’t wait until I got off that boat and drove myself home. I said my good-byes in the parking lot (this was rare for me because I usually go up to the Yacht Club and visit for a couple of hours, watch pictures, catch up with friends, etc.) By the time I got to my car, I was so anxious that I took a panic attack pill without any water – just a mouthful of saliva.

I feel like I’ve been robbed! My dog has been taken from me. I am at a psychological imbalance. I can’t seem to go anywhere outside without getting upset from random things. I experience panic attacks that seem to come from nowhere. Worst of all, I don’t enjoy sailing very much. I sure hope the new medications help me with this because the one thing I thought I could do without fear and anxiety was sailing. Only time will tell.  All I know it that I don’t want to quit my job (I’m good at it and people LOVE me there), and I don’t want to quit sailing (ditto).