Insights

I’ve had a new shift in my thoughts about Hardy – mostly not so good thoughts. I realized yesterday that I had thought of him as almost saintly in his existence here with me, like he was a spiritual guide of sorts. It felt like our partnership was a result of divine intervention. I often commented that I had to have some awesome dog karma to have him in my life. There is no doubt that he made me a better person.

Up until yesterday, I’d been thinking that he might have even known that he would be leaving me soon. I believed he had been helping me prepare for his departure even on the attack day. I remember lying on the bed with him at my side, thinking that he was sending me the message, “My job is done here.” I also thought he sent me a different message like that one just prior to our turning around to head back home on the day of the attack.

He was lowered to mortal status for me yesterday. Out of nowhere, I had the realization that no living thing knows when they will die. It’s what makes the will to live so strong. The will to live is an essential part of being, and without it, we may give up all too easily when in extreme pain, or even while fighting for life. It’s a type of denial, in a way. If we deny that we are actually going to die, perhaps we may even be able to prevent it, or restore a previously unhealthy body into a healthy one.

So I suffered yesterday. I suffered, knowing that Hardy struggled during his final breaths to fight for his life. I suffered, knowing that he didn’t know that he would be leaving me. I suffered, knowing that he was fighting right there along side with me. His job was not “done here.” He fought for his life until the very end. Our fight was just too much for us. It was just too difficult to stop that dog from killing him. Too much for me, the boy, the people who stopped nearby in their car, the men who saved me from being attacked, and the woman with the cell phone. But mostly it was too much for Hardy. He really never had a chance.

The strange thing today is that it’s been surprisingly good. I’ve had so many bad days in a row. But today I’ve felt a little bit better. I made myself do things I had been procrastinating. I had planned to meet with my substitute this morning - she had asked to bring her three children (ages 5, 8 and 11) to the meeting, and I had said it would be okay.

As it turned out, she needed to cancel, and it gave me time to think. Two of her children are students at the elementary school where I work. I decided to tell her I didn’t think bringing the kids would be such a good idea after all, and I used the time to organize my doctor appointments and school calendar. I even pulled off an errand (accompanied) to the medical secretary to file my disability forms. Who knows, maybe yesterday’s insights were a good thing.