It’s Becoming Evident

I am making the decision while I’m here (and shortly after I return) about whether I will take a leave of absence from work, or not. Yesterday was an interesting experiment going to the Crab House and socializing with the couples that were sitting nearby. I realized today that I was not really alone - the whole time. The people who I interacted with changed, but I was never alone.

I had originally thought I would go for a shopping expedition around the town, but I didn’t. I stayed put. When I went for a walk in the forest with my daughter and nephew this morning, and tried to pin point the reason why I stayed put. In the quiet of the forest, I began to consider that I might have remained there because I just couldn’t bring myself to go out alone. I didn’t want to risk ruining Friday Harbor. Then I began to contemplate about my job.

So I am trying to be realistic about going back to work. The students need their teacher, and I still don’t know if I’m ready to go back. I feel like I am not the same person I once was. I feel like I’m still not brave, nor confident, nor capable of taking care of myself. How can I be responsible, let alone educate, twenty-five students? How do I carry out the safety drills without freaking out? How do I deal with the stress of the job that does not involve teaching or caring for students? I don’t know the answers to any of these. I need to make a decision, and I’m inclined towards the leave of absence.

Today was not a disaster, but I had another scary dog encounter. We were down at the harbor, when my youngest nephew was setting his crab trap. My family members helped me to flee from the beast, but not without anxiety. I didn’t have a panic attack, but I think I would have - had I not left the area to the safety of an indoor U.S. Customs Office. I felt safe inside, and I watched from a window, as dog and owner walked far away in a different direction. What if that happens at work?

Sea Anemone on the side of the dock at Friday Harbor