Sleep Problems

Sleep has become the challenge of late. Ever since my cousin, Bill, came to visit, it’s been a problem (August 11th). I am continually being awakened by sounds that go bump in the night. Sometimes I know it is an animal, as in a skunk scurrying around outside (I could smell the little rodent). Sometimes it’s just the house going creak. But it is now to the point where I think someone is messing with my mind. It happens every night.

Last night was no different, except when I was awakened from what sounded like whistling for a dog (could have been the neighbor at 3 a.m.). I had more trouble getting back to sleep. I am back to the sleepless nights I was having before I started taking Estroven for night sweats and hot flashes. Last summer I was literally breaking out in heat rashes from that problem. The Estroven has black cohosh in it, and ever since I began taking it I haven’t had those problems.

Now the sleep problems are back at full tilt. Most times it’s because I have worked myself into a fearful tizzy. I actually believe someone in the house is in some sort of danger (usually me). Sometimes it gets so bad that I simply give up and go watch some television – boring television, so I will become drowsy.

Sometimes I fight the urge to get up, successfully distracted in positive prayers for the world, and I fall back asleep. I think about the studies that have been done in sleep labs, and I know that most people who complain about not sleeping actually get more than five hours of sleep throughout the night (when they report they don’t get any). It’s another comforting thought that can sometimes convince me that I am over exaggerating my insomnia.

The worst nights I feel paranoid about something dangerous happening. On those nights I’ve been awakened by a bad dream. Sometimes I can remember the dream, and sometimes I can’t. The bad ones usually have me waking up in a fearful state, kind of catching my breath. Most often I find myself sitting bolt upright, yet I don’t know why. I truly can’t remember my dream; I’m only relieved to be awake. I see these weird kaleidoscope type images when my eyes are closed - until I’m fully conscious. They are a lot like a migraine aura, but not as colorful and they don’t hinder my vision in any way. When I open my eyes the images are gone. I’m also wide-awake.

It has been almost two and a half months since the dog attack. I’m still not better. I still despair over the loss of Hardy and agonize over the choices I made that day. I still wish I had done just one more thing differently. The path to healing has taken many curves through hills and valleys, through darkness, fog, and light. I know I’m not there yet, but I can feel that I have made some movement in the correct direction. If I could only sleep regularly, I’m sure it would make processing each day with my new eyes much more consistent and endurable.