Still Taking Things One Day at a Time

I haven’t been able to sleep for three nights in a row. I had a stressful meeting with a pair of lawyers that was rather traumatic. I went into the meeting feeling stressed and scared, and I came away from the meeting feeling depressed and paranoid. On the way into the building, there was a man who seemed to purposefully walk into my personal space. It made me jump out of my skin, and I felt scared. I had to stop walking and let him pass before I felt safe.

During that meeting I was given advice about the upcoming lawsuit. One of the first things they said was that I should stop blogging. They were worried about how public my journal was. They did encourage me to write, and even email them, but they didn’t want my thoughts to be public. They also said that there was no burden to prove the dog owner’s negligence. It was already assumed, because the dog attacked and caused injuries, they were negligent.

What was disturbing was the fact that the settlement money from the suit was based solely on my pain and suffering. There could be no settling of scores. The other things they suggested were to stay in Santa Cruz, because I’m not comfortable at the house, make sure to continue with my therapy, and get medications better suited to my problem, perhaps go on a spiritual retreat, and most importantly, heal at my own pace.

The other item that’s causing me stress was a meeting I had with a Realtor (the next day). It was awful! She said that we wouldn’t be able to find a home that was at the same level if we sold now. She said she thought the market wouldn’t be back on track until 2012. But worse than that, she spewed all sorts of advice about what I should do to get over my grief (the worst one was to get a new dog - one that was abused), but she said NOTHING about healing from the attack! I CAN’T EVEN WALK OUT MY FRONT DOOR WITHOUT FREAKING OUT.

Between those two meetings, the first on a Friday, and the second on a Saturday, I thought that I’d feel better by now. But now it’s Monday at around 4 AM, and I can’t sleep. I had a bad dream, and the flashback was difficult to stop. Until today, I’ve been able to bring myself into the present moment and hinder the flashback from continuing in full. Since it happened in the past, and it isn’t the present, and I can differentiate those, the present moment (when it’s a safe moment) is a better place to be. Not great, just not the awful recurring past.

But tonight I am alone in Santa Cruz and I just had another flashback. The difference now is that the flashback didn’t start at the beginning. It’s like my subconscious knows that I’m learning to pause the flashback from that point in time (the part where I see that dog coming at Hardy and me). This time the visual rerun of the event had begun at a place where there was hope of stopping the attacking dog.

The flashback began after the part when I fell down, and before the boy came and pounded on the attack dog to help me. It was the part when I looked at Hardy, and told him, “Come on Hardy. Let’s get you out of this!”  Then it ran all the way to the point of him lying dead on the ground. And this part is getting more and more awful because I never saw him dead. In my mind, he is still alive. I often worry that he simply couldn’t move, that I could have gently picked him up and taken him to the vet, that I should have gone to him to make sure, and stroked his head and told him soothing thoughts as he moved on to the next level.

I decided to get up, turn on the lights, and force my brain to create a different reason to turn on my computer. My motive became double-checking my son’s registration to UCSC. At that point, I was not thrilled about changing to electronic journaling instead of posting to a blog, but I decided it was better than not writing at all. Writing is just too darn helpful.

I purchased a book yesterday about what happens after death. The passage that resonated for me was about a man who was terminally ill, and he put a message on his voicemail that basically told everyone to stop giving him advice, and stop calling in tears because their own grief over losing someone else wasn’t resolved. He instructed callers to hang up unless they simply wanted to have a normal conversation. He concluded with a statement of forgiveness if they did hang up, that he would harbor no ill feelings, but send them good wishes.

That’s how I feel. People tell me the worst advice throughout my day. It doesn’t matter if I solicit the advice or not. The person always means well, but I’ve learned that when they preface their comment with, “I probably shouldn’t say this, but…” Then it’s a nightmare dog attack story – like I haven’t heard enough of those by now, or some other painful advice. I received advice to: get a new dog, cat, bird, pet of some sort, or volunteer for some organization that THEY would like, or forgive the attack dog’s owner, or go on another vacation, etc. The list is continually growing every day.

I just want to have a normal conversation with people. I don’t want to talk about the attack, unless it’s absolutely necessary (therapy or deposition). But most importantly, I don’t want anyone to tell me to get better any faster than I am able. Most of the advice is intended to give me a shove into the “she’s better” category. It feels like people are tired of me processing the ordeal and trying to heal. It seems to me that everyone wants me to act as if I’m fine and dandy. So I’ve begun to ACT like I’m ok in social situations, but I’m really not. I’m still just taking things one day at a time.