Setbacks

My psychologist gave me an hour and a half notice yesterday to meet with him. I accepted immediately. While our session was productive, I was disappointed when he told me that I wasn’t ready for the EMDR treatment. He did gather some preliminary information for when we go through the process.

Some of the information he wanted to know was about a place where I feel safe, and also information about four or five of the most intense and frightening moments of the attack. In addition, he gathered information about healthier ways I could think about myself after living through it.

At first I came away with some excellent new ways to think about myself. The main changes I knew I would like to feel were strong, confident, and brave. I also wanted to feel like I was capable of taking care of myself, even in the face of a dangerous situation. I wouldn’t feel like I had lost, and I wouldn’t feel like the outcome of most events would turn out to be a horrible disaster.

Later, after some time had passed, I began to have more flashbacks, only there were more details. I additionally lacked the skills to keep them from pulling me out of the present moment. I felt like I was regressing, instead of moving forward. I also felt like I may have been too hasty in both taking the appointment and in asking for the EMDR treatment.

To make matters worse, I had two bad experiences with dogs – both within less than 24 hours after meeting with my psychologist. During the first one, we sat inside the car waiting to pull out from the driveway, because a man and his two dogs were walking behind us. It was hot, so our windows were down. When the man and his dogs passed us, his vicious looking dog tugged on the leash and lunged towards me. I exclaimed, “Oh No,” thinking the dog was going to jump up into the car and attack me. Later I was told that I had overreacted. The man actually tugged on the leash to keep the dog walking, and all the dog did was turn and look at us.

The second experience was truly fear-provoking. I was riding my bicycle with my daughter on the Alamo Creek Trail, and I was in the lead. There was a young man walking his pit bull towards us. The dog jerked towards me, and his owner had to restrain his dog. This time I had a more intense reaction. I had to stop my bike because I immediately started crying and moaning out of fear. I couldn’t ride for several minutes, and I had to debrief the incident before I was able to continue.

In both instances it was difficult for me to distinguish what had actually happened from what I thought had happened. In the first, I was told that the dog didn’t do anything threatening. In the second, the dog actually did lunge at me, and cause a distressing physiological reaction. Both incidents caused me to feel extremely upset, and wondering if I would ever feel strong, confident, and brave again.