A Slow Course of Action

I just hung up talking with my psychiatrist. It feels nice to have her checking up on me. Overall I feel like I went from almost paranoia to just nervousness. I still don’t want to go out of my house, and I don’t like it very much when I do. I have to force myself, because I want to get better. But I’m more concerned with the migraine aspect of the medications – that’s a different problem that I had been treating with my personal physician.

I meet with my personal physician tomorrow. I will be going in for a blood pressure check. The propranolol is designed to help with both the jittery, scared feelings I was having, but it could also lower my blood pressure below where it should be. I’ve been checking my blood pressure daily, and there is no problem with a lowered rate. In fact, my blood pressure is really good these days.

The propranolol is also doing double duty as a manager for the migraines. I’ve been having some headache pain for the past week, and migraine effects too, but nothing to extreme. I’ve been getting what are called floaters and flashers, and today my ears are really sensitive to sound. I’ve also had head pain over the course of the week. When I rank my headaches on a scale from one to five, I usually take pain medication if I rank the pain at a three. I’ve only had one of those headaches since the start of the new medications. The psychiatrist said that she’d only be worried if I had to take pain medication every day.

I also mentioned that I can conceptualize working again, but actually going through with it is a different story. For example, I went to set up my classroom last week (with assistance, of course), and I broke down a couple of times while I was there. I also met with my long-term substitute and I broke down at least twice while talking to her – not counting the tears I can keep inside. When she asked what she could tell parents about my condition, I didn’t know what to tell her. Am I okay? No. I’m still working hard to go outside, and being alone is too difficult a challenge. I told her to ask our boss.

I feel like I can’t take care of myself, so how can I be responsible for twenty-five students? Education is always my first priority, but there is also an aspect of protecting my students that is a moment-to-moment part of my job. I am ultimately their caretaker for the most part of the day, and one of my main responsibilities is to keep them safe from harm’s way. I would also hate it if I broke down and one of the students had to call the office because I was nonfunctional. That would be traumatic for my students, and me too.

It made me feel like I had someone on my team who’s trying to help me to function again. I want to be able to go outside again without fear. I want to be able to work. Sometimes it seems like such an uphill battle, but my psychiatrist assured me that time would help. She said a slow course of action was the wisest path. I felt comforted.